A Tangled and Dark Path - Carrie Roark
I do not wish to walk the path that lies before me. It is tangled and dark, and I cannot see the way. I do not wish to walk the path that lies before me. Yet, there is no second road to converge in the wood. This path alone stretches out for me. Along this path will be suffering and pain. The path will afford me struggle and strife. Loss awaits me along this path. No, I do not wish to walk this path. A voice whispers and a slight wind blows and I am encouraged for that is not all that awaits me. This path also brings many rich gifts and blessings. This path leads me past beauty and wonder. And this path is not without its refuge and respite. I will not walk this path alone. And so I raise my foot and place it down, I raise another foot and place it down. I move.
My older sister is dying of pancreatic cancer. It is aggressive and quick moving. She is now fully invalid and so we rally around her to care for her at home on hospice care. Frankly, I’m a mess. My heart is reeling. I feel detached from myself and my resources. I’m tired and depleted and usually close to tears. Tonight I am anxious as I prepare for my first shift alone with her soon. I worry about maintaining the strength required to last. And I feel guilty for worrying about myself at all.
A few other pressures and burdens threaten on other fronts as well. Has God forgotten me? I feel untethered and insecure. I find myself using food as a comfort. I am overeating and gaining weight. This makes me feel out of control and weak, which is just the worst. Still, I find comfort in scripture and remind myself to practice walking in the spirit and guarding my heart. God has not forgotten me, he is near and reminds me I’m going to be ok.